To Feel

This post is by guest blogger, Kayess.

An acquaintance of mine started talking to me last night at the odd hour of 11.30pm and though I don't really talk to him in school, it seems that our conversations on MSN are somewhat interesting. Yesterday's topic of conversation somehow turned to the topic of death and it seems that both of us have a fairly similar philosophy on death i.e. death is inevitable and we've both managed to accept the concept pretty well so far.

There was one very profound question he posed to me that I'm still unsure the answer of; it was basically a question of whose death will cause my tears. In truth, I don't know if I'll cry if family members die. I don't know if I'll cry should my friends die. In truth, I don't feel emotionally close or attached to anyone and to an extent, barriers are somewhat erected between the people I know and me. Part of it lies in my partial inability to express myself completely and I suppose the other half lies in my half-assed cynical view of the world. Haha sometimes, I even wonder if there are barriers I've erected or if there just aren't that many important things for me to tell people. (As you can tell, everything seems uncertain and I'm just an indecisive bastard :P)

Let me just go with one theory for the time being - the theory being that my half-assed cynical perception of the world has made me wary of people. It's of my opinion, at least, that everyone changes somehow (and whether or not that change is for the better or worse is irrelevant for 'it just is'). Maybe there's a worry that somehow, people will change in a way that will hurt me and so, I enact barriers. I make it hard for me to get hurt badly. I'm not sure if this theory is even right, but hey, it's just me trying to psychoanalyse myself and see where it goes.

Where does that leave me? I don't know? I don't think I'm happy that I don't feel as I should towards death. I'm not happy at the way I form relationships with people. I don't think I'm sad either. It all just seems like a learning experience where I'll eventually get to a path I'll be satisfied with. Extrapolating current conditions though, it seems that I'm heading towards a future of loneliness and apathy.

What's life without meaningful emotions and relationships? I reckon I need to learn how to FEEL.

Stay safe and remember...
If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned ;)

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Hmph the organisation and thoughts of the post seems to be somewhat disjointed/incoherent and I don't think there's enough elaboration on some points mainly because I'm unclear of the way I think myself. Oh well, that leaves more to be discussed in following posts :/

Touchy-Feely

This post is by guest blogger, Kayess

I was at a friend's fun and innocent 17th birthday party last night and it seemed like the level of bromance was particularly high. It's actually pretty amusing seeing as some of my faghags/girl friends commented on how the dudes in our grade are "borderline gay"; too much irony when I'm around!

It's funny, I think over this past few months, I've gotten way more hugging and other (non-sexual) physical contact than I've had over my entire life. My family isn't exactly one that is touchy-feely and it seems to be that maybe I've been missing that aspect of life.

Hugging and just lying around with other people is perhaps, something so simple, but it seems that the level of emotional comfort is provides is so vast. Yesterday, when I was lying around on the ground and hugging a bunch of other people, I felt safe...I felt wanted..I felt satisfied.

I was on a sofa during the party and this guy decides to sit on me butt-on-crotch and all. Sure it sounds sexual, but it was nothing of the sort. Something more of a platonic/brotherly love would describe the feeling of him being on me for the 15-30 minutes or so.I did manage to feel his pecs up and stroke his face though. Creepy? I THINK NOT! I'm not really attracted to him anyway so it doesn't matter if I molest his chest :P

Somehow that got me onto thinking more onto relationships and how I'll most definitely look forward to one in the future. Of course I want one now, but current circumstance just makes it difficult and unlikely. The degree to which I feel a need to be in a relationship though seems to vary with the day and that's just something I find odd; maybe it's the hormones haha. Apart from wanting to eat and sexually devour any prospective lover, the sense of connection, comfort and security will be most definitely the other things I will look towards.

The party was only down the street from my house but the parents were all RAHRAH! about me getting home at 11.30. I swear to god, when my bro was my age, he was allowed out till a later time. I don't friggin get this double standard they impose upon me!! They constantly express their concerns about my safety but frankly, the country I'm in now is pretty safe and I'm not worried about getting mugged or stabbed to death by drunken chavs. Walkin home from that party, I was along a busy road and passed by 3 cops - the country's practically a police state - and they DARE imply that I could've been murdered and stabbed to death. Side question for the sake of my own sanity, how the hell should curfews be decided upon???

Finally, I should probably apologise to Aaron for being such a crap guest blogger and for completely shunning this place though he'll probably be moderately happy that I went to an Aussie university fair and looked at some universities as he suggested I should ;)

Stay safe and don't forget to look both ways before you cross...
and be home by 11.30pm ;)

40 Random Things About Me

Evidently, I stole these questions from AJ. I thought it would be something random to blog about and a way for you guys to know me better!

1. Name? (screen name is fine)
Aaron

2. Are you a boy or girl?
Boy

3. How old are you?
19 at heart, but 23 in years

4. Are you straight, gay, bi or unsure
bi but more towards gay

5. Whats your favorite color?
green - apple green kind of green

6. Whats your favorite food?
quite a few.. but right now, toasted cheese sandwich. YUMMM!

7. If you could choose only one type of food for the rest of you life, what type would it be? (ex. Italian, chinese, french, etc.)
I would say Chinese, but can I have a fusion of like Chinese-Italian? No olives, thanks.

8. How tall are you?
5' 6"

9. Hair color?
Black

10. Whats your favorite movie?
I have quite a few but to name one.. Heaven & Earth

11. Favorite book?
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

12. Favorite tv show?
Most reality shows.. especially Masterchef Australia (don't judge me!). I haven't watched a lot of TV show, so the last ones I saw that got me addicted were Heroes and Grey's Anatomy

13. What are your hobbies?
Eating, hanging out with friends and outdoor stuff

14. What is the #1 thing that grosses you out?
your face. nothing I can think of. I can tolerate most gross stuff.

15. Are you a virgin?
if you consider penetration, then i'm definitely a virgin!

16. If no, how far have you gone? (list both with boys and girls)


17. Are you athletic? What sports?
swimming and running

18. For guys: How big are you? (you know what I mean... lol) Are you cut or uncut?
is it wrong that I never measured?

19. For girls: Whats your bra size?

20. Are you happy with your size?
I am comfortable with it.

21. Do you like, tolerate or get disgusted when you see an attractive person of the opposite sex?
I get swooned! :P

22. What do you want to do with your life?
I want to be happy.

23. Do you masturbate? how many times a day?
No I don't masturbate. What's that?

About once a day. :P

24. Do you have a "special" toy? (again you all know what I mean... lol)
Do humans count? Hehe. Just kidding, no don't have any toys at all.

25. Have you ever broken a bone or had another serious injury or sickness? Explain.
Nope.

26. What do you think is your most attractive feature?
I have no idea. Don't think there's any although my personality probably compensate for that. :)

27. What do you think is your least attractive feature?
My face and eyes.

28. If there is one thing in your life you could change, what would that be?
hmm.. can't really think of any. maybe have superpowers? I'd love that, but otherwise, I think my life is fairly good right now.

29. Are you in a relationship? explain a little (boy, girl, short term, long term, etc)
In a complicated relationship with a boy in real life, no, I'm not. :)

30. When was the last time you got some sexual action? (of any type)
Phwoar! Umm.. Can't remember.

31. Mac or PC?
Both depending on where I'm at.

32. Iphone, Blackberry, other PDA, or regular cell phone?
Have a regular cellphone but would love an iPhone or Android!

33. Do you have any pets? Which ones?
Nope.

34. For gay and bi guys: Are you a top or bottom?
Both?

35. Whats the one thing in your life you are most proud of?
The way I lived my life.

36. Where is the weirdest place you masturbated or had sex?
In a bathtub?

37. Most number of times you came in a day?
Probably 6 when I was a teenager.

38. What are you most afraid of?
Loss. Losing someone I love.

39. Favorite porn star?
You!

40. Do you have a blog? What is it?
A Beautifool Chaos

NO H8

I have been a crazy jet-setter and have been incredibly tired, but I am off to Sydney again next Thursday.. Another 2.5 hours and another timezone. I think my circadian rhythm is going to be screwed by the end of all these crazy travels.

I've been insanely tired lately, especially after a midnight flight last night and up at 6am this morning because I forgot to set my phone back to local time!

Anyway, I am blogging today because the Americans need your support.

What: The American Federal Court has accepted the challenge of Prop8!


WHO: Ted Olson and David Boies are high-profile lawyers (who worked the Bush v. Gore 2000 opposing one another) representing two same-sex couples who were denied the right to marry.

WHAT: Olson and Boies are challenging proposition 8's federal constitutionality and believe that it should be repealed. “This unequal treatment of gays and lesbians denies them the basic liberties and equal protection under the law that are guaranteed by the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution,” their suit states.

WHEN: January 11th, 2010 is the set date to begin (keyword=begin these court cases will not nearly be completed over night).


What can you do? Sign the petition to get Obama on board and spread the words.

The Golden Rule

This post is by guest blogger, Kayess.

I was watching CNN as I'm wont to do on any day and Amanpour was airing. Amanpour is the name of a daily segment on CNN hosted by Christiane Amanpour and in the words of Kanye, one of the best journalists of all time...of ALL time.

In today's segment, she interviewed Tony Blair about his participation in the Middle Eastern regions and on his bid for EU presidency (with the Lisbon Treaty now signed by all EU members). More interestingly however, she discussed with some religious dude and dudette, the role of the 'Golden Rule' - to do onto others what you want others to do upon you - in our world. The Golden Rule is seen in most religions in one form or another and this concept of morality seems to be fairly widespread.

When most people think of the idea of the Golden Rule, they tend to look on an individual level; how and what can I do to make the world a better place? The idea of a Golden Rule can possibly be epitomised by our dear Aaron who performs acts of compassion onto those around him. The discussion about compassion and the Golden Rule from the TV segment discusses just that..and a bit more. It seeks to apply the idea of a Golden Rule onto a more macro scale and thinks about the idea in terms of entire nations. Now..how best to implement?

*****

I decided to be ridiculous last weekend and went to both party things last Friday and Saturday and had really good fun at both events and met some new people. The parents are coming back on Sunday so there's only a few days of complete freedom left :( The school's hosting a sporting tournament this week so there's probably going to be a lot of students from other schools going clubbing weekend. We'll see what the plans are for this weekend.

So whilst I was ecstatic and happy last Friday and Saturday, my emotions decided to go haywire and make a 180 on Sunday night just before bed probably due to one or two primary reasons that I'm not bothered to write about just yet. This basically led to an emotionally weird week for me so far, experiencing a bunch of emotions I've never felt before. It's interesting, but not really welcomed. At this point, I feel more apathetic than anything else which is probably an improvement from Sunday night's depressive mood.

On a somewhat related note, we're reading Hamlet in English (just finished Act 2) and I seem to find some of myself in Hamlet's character in that, I procrastinate and delay my actions whilst being somewhat introspective but unable to express my emotions and thoughts properly to others.

Well, have a lovely hiatus Aaron and to everyone else, stay safe :)

Disappearing For a Bit

I am going to disappear for a bit as I juggle 5 balls while riding on a one wheel bicycle. Two conferences, three different cities, three different time zones, two deadlines, two meetings and shitloads of optimism to keep me going all happening next week. I have a feeling that I might spontaneously combust into thin air. Somehow.

I've added a Chatbox on the sidebar so start chatting. Also, vote the poll.

While I'm gone for the next week or two, I will leave you in the intelligent hands of guest blogger Kayess.

I'm contactable by email (hopefully). If Kayess is shit, I give you permission to give him a hard time. But bear in mind he's a little boy, still in high school so play nice.

Dave knows where to get me and Mirrorboy and Brett has my mobile number, so if you are desperate to hunt me down, get one of these guys to track me down.

I need a muthaflippin holiday.


I just realised that posting a seductive picture of a beach when I'm Almighty stressed is not the best idea. It becomes stress x envy. Bad stuff.

***

Remember Ron from my previous post? He's started blogging - go say hi and be nice to him.

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Have I told you to chat in the Chatbox and vote in the poll?

See you all soon - unless I lost my motivation to blog. 28 posts, 1 month 4 days, 31 followers.

Utter Madness

I've been insanely busy at work, I even brought home my report to try to write it over the weekend, but with commitments like having to be a good friend and spend a whole day with a friend who just recently broken up, and being a good housemate chauffeuring my housemates for her Bridal shower, I did not get too much done. My supervisor will be so mad at me for bringing work home - our work has a non-spoken policy that no one is supposed to check work emails or do work after office hours but I really just want to get this over and done with.

My brain has gone into an insane madness I can even feel it - a feeling of light-headedness and surrealism every so often especially when I'm in a crowd.

Photo credit: Sebastian Fritzon

But there are things in life that ease my madness, that makes our days worth living and each day worth celebrating. There are people who makes our life richer and all the more meaningful.

I am incredibly lucky to be able to listen to some truly inspiring stories over the years working in the mental health field. However, over the weekend, a friend that Brett introduced me to a while back, let's call him Ron, took my challenge and went out to socialise - a first in a while. It seems ridiculous to many, but to me, its a heroic act that he managed to accomplish through his ugly world of depression.

I am also very proud of Brett for many reasons, but I shall not elaborate. His humility, kindness and beautiful, humble soul extend beyond his own self-recognition by a million mile. All I can say is this young boy, will hopefully one day be inspired and realised the true star he is, that I see in him. Kayess my guest blogger is another boy to watch out for as well - if my prediction is right, given the right support, resources and inspiration, this quiet sneaky ninja can be an incredible leader one day. I think many people overlook his intelligence because most of the time, he'd rather be talking nonsense.

LonelyBoy also did an amazing act and I really think he deserves all the positive comments he can get. It's people like him who manage to squeeze every drop of nearly dried up courage in himself to reach out that inspires me to no end.

I am also very lucky to have an incredible man who greets me every morning with "Good morning sunshine" and accompany me through my final 1.5 - 1 hour of work. He listens to me rant about my horrible stress and makes me smile with his silliness!

On another note, if you have 5 mins to kill, go over to smelly stinky (yes, double - that's how bad he stinks) Davie's blog and leave him comments abusing him!. I thought I managed to get rid of him, but clearly not - he's back. Dammit! It will make him a very happy bird if you leave him comments. Tell him he stinks. Sorry for all the strikes - I can't help myself.

***

For myself: I realised that I cannot be a superman and there are things that I can't do, and its OK not to be the best at everything I do. I said 'no' to an appointment this weekend just so I can have a proper rest.

For my love ones: I called my grandma and spoke to my parents over the weekend. My grandma was very excited to hear my voice, as grandmas usually do. I bought a chocolate for my supervisor, made coffee for my colleague and wrote my Research Assistant an awesome kick-arse recommendation letter. I would also like to think I was a good friend.

For the world: I carbon offset my flights to Melbourne next month and also my flight to Sydney in December - both for a meeting. I bought a homeless woman a Hungry Jack's Whooper meal last week after the movie's. I provided consultation to a small, up-coming non-profit on sustainable fundraising and their social media strategy. I helped a friend start an non-profit organisation last week and am now serving as an advisor to the organisation until they get some funding. Together with a group of amazing bloggers, we made Landyn's birthday extra special - at least I hope we did! :)

For you: A NEW POLL! Go vote!